I haven't been doing much about the "bi" in my bisexuality. As cliche as it is to say, I did experiment with making out with girls back in my university days. I've dated men 97% of the time since. Maybe it's time to date some girls again.
But the question is this: will any girls want to date 44-year-old me?
Out of all demographics, I feel least attractive to young women. I know that I have a pretty good chance with young men: I've dated enough of them to know that many of them find older women attractive. I believe many older men could find me attractive, too. And I believe older women aren't outside the realm of possibility.
But young women? I feel like they only want young men, old men, and women close to their age. The whole "cougar" thing seems so much rarer with young women than it does with young men.
How do I know this? Limited experience, but enough negative experience to make me feel insecure. Not just about being old, but about my sexual experience with men and how some lesbians feel about it. (Spoiler alert: some of them really don't like it. And breaking news: that's called biphobia.)
How many young women are into older women, let alone older women who have mostly dated men? Where are these young women? And even if I find them, will they be into this older woman?
For some reason, I'm more insecure about my middle-aged body when thinking about sex with women (which I never got around to, by the way). I have a muffin top. I have curvy hips and a generous ass. I have wrinkles and grey hair and bad knees. How many hot young women do I see walking around hand-in-hand with a woman of this description? Am I just missing them on the street? Are they all meeting in private?
I want to believe I could find young female partners. I'd love that.
I'm not saying I don't have sexual desire for young men anymore, because I still very much do. But the fact is I'm equally attracted to women - not shocking, given my bisexuality - and I'm wondering how dating them could be. Would there be greater emotional compatibility? Would being sexually active with women release a level of lesbian attraction I've been suppressing until now due to good old internalized homophobia?
I strongly suspect that embracing the "bi" in my bisexuality would be a good thing - a beautiful, powerful thing.
Just one problem: where the hell are the young women who are into older women?
I refuse to believe they don't exist, and I refuse to give up. Because I want them, and our genuine desires in life are connected to our genuine identities. I've been on a path of chasing my authenticity for the past year. I hope next year, my commitment to living authentically brings some amazing young women into my life. The wait is over, and I'm ready for this next chapter of my dating life to begin.
Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!
- M.B.