The first post I published on this blog (way back in October 2021) was called "'So What Are You Looking For?'", a question I'd been hearing often on dating apps. It's a question I always dreaded, mostly because I never knew how to answer it.
"So what are you looking for?" At the time, this was a prompt for me to neurotically explain that I wanted not-a-hookup-and-not-a-relationship-but-sort-of-both-and-neither. (Shocking that I wasn't finding that. I still have no idea what that is. Perhaps I was hoping that I'd find a man who did and he could explain it to me.)
Now here I am in July 2022. I still don't know what I'm looking for. The difference is I'm not looking on Hinge or Bumble anymore. (I've been off the dating apps for about three months. By the end, all I was looking for was sanity, and I had to leave the apps to find that.)
These days, I'm trying to find a match on LinkedIn and Glassdoor. If you asked me to describe what I'm looking for, it would be something along the lines of full-time-pay-for-part-time-work-and-it-doesn't-have-to-be-writing-but-it-also-can't-not-be-writing.
Shocking that my job search isn't going much better than the man search was.
I'm really burning out from the job search. Especially because I'm simultaneously in the throes of a search for a place to stay, specifically one where I don't have to pay rent. Not easy to find, as it turns out.
So I haven't been writing much. I haven't posted to this blog in about a month and a half. I used to post weekly. It's been hard to get back in the blogging saddle again.
I think part of the reason for my writer's block is that it's felt odd to write about being a cougar when I'm not dating, or planning on dating anytime soon. The name of this blog is the depressed cougar. While my good old friend depression never strays too far, it's a tougher topic to write about when there isn't a spoonful of cougar to help the dreariness go down.
Anyway, here I am. I've decided I'm still a legitimate cougar, even if I'm no longer on the hunt (but never say never, I guess). This blog is still my baby and I have to keep writing it - depressed or not, dating or not. Writing has always been a necessity - really the necessity. It's hard to live without a necessity.
I'm writing again, woohoo. Now all I need to do is attend to the other 27 necessities that are in various stages of being ignored by me - a source of income (or two or three) and a place to stay, to name a few.
Honestly, though, I just want to write. And I've noticed that the less I'm writing, the less I care about anything else.
A question occurred to me recently: do I not know what I want, or is it the case that I do know what I want but I'm not confident enough to admit it to myself? It's scary to be honest about what you want if you don't believe there's any chance of actually getting it.
If I'm really honest with myself, this is what I'm looking for: when it comes to dating, I want to err on the side of a relationship (theoretically - the role of the old maid shall be played by Melissa Bender tonight, and perhaps indefinitely); and I don't want a full-time job, so looking for one feels like a waste of time. I honestly believe my writing is good enough for it to support me - all it takes is a little time, effort and luck. (And confidence.)
Regardless of anything that's happening or not happening, I need to write. In my heart of hearts, it's all I want to do. Surely, if something is all you want to do, there's no justification for not doing it at all.
Sadly, that doesn't mean I don't have to find a job right now to support myself - and probably one that isn't directly related to being a blogging cougar. I do need to find a job. Future dreams don't pay for present bills.
It's almost time for dinner. I've invested a good chunk of time in writing this blog post; as soon as I publish it, I need to get back to my job search, whether I like it or not. I don't have the luxury of procrastinating anymore.
Sometimes you have to look for things you don't want to find because you need them, even if you don't want them. So back into LinkedIn and Glassdoor I go!
(I shouldn't be writing this shit. The wrong people are going to see it. But if it means I won't get jobs that are wrong for me anyway, does it matter?)
Whatever. Regardless of anything that's happening or not happening, I need to write. In my heart of hearts, it's all I want to do. Surely, if something is all you want to do, there's no justification for not doing it at all.
So: hi. I'm back. How have you been? What are you looking for?
- M.B.